Managing difficult situations
Regardless of the real-life situations that mentors will encounter, there are a few guidelines that apply in almost all cases. Several suggestions are offered below to guide mentors as they interact with the mentees in difficult situations.
- Face the problem. Ignoring it won't make it go away. If a problem is really a problem, it's best to deal with it early, before it gets bigger.
- Think beforehand about what you want to accomplish in dealing with a sensitive issue or situation. For example, do you want only to know whether or not the student is aware of a behavior and its effect, or do you want to impart your viewpoint? Do you want to change the student's behavior? Knowing your purpose helps keep things focused.
- Bring things up early in a visit, don't wait until the end of the visit for an "opportune time" to present itself. There is probably never a good time to bring up a hard topic, and so it's best to get to it right away. You'll never regret how much better you feel after you've discussed and resolved a difficult situation.
- Separate the behavior from the person. Speak objectively about the behavior and positively about the person. For example, "I like your energy, but when you do _____, it puts me in an awkward position."
- Don't overdo humor, teasing, or jokes. A teenager will not always grasp issues presented in a half-joking but serious manner. Also, adolescent egos can be unpredictable; what might seem funny one day may not be received in the same vein the next day. The best guideline is to stay serious, but supportive, don't tease or joke, and save humor for lighter times.
- Discuss sensitive issues in a private place, if possible. Think twice about using your office, if you have a private one, because it may feel too formal and stiff if you and your student are not accustomed to meeting and talking there. You may even want to take a walk and talk out-of-doors.
- Consider relating something personal about yourself during the discussion with the student. For example, tell her about a similar incident in your youth and how you handled it. This kind of self-disclosure and empathy makes you seem real and special to the student, not just another adult giving a lecture.
- Reinforce at a later time something positive about your student, and emphasize that the issue was about behavior, not personality.
Special Mentoring Tips for Teenage Girls
The teen years are a special challenge for girls - both socially and in school. It is also a very difficult challenge for mentors working with girls during these turbulent years.
When a teenage girl is confronted with difficult situations, she is likely to try to talk to a mentor before she talks to a parent. Mentors should be aware of these crises and have an understanding of how to respond to any questions or situations that may arise in the mentoring relationship.
The thirteen crises that girls are most likely to tell a mentor:
- I had sex last night.
- I had unprotected sex.
- I'm pregnant.
- I've been smoking for a while.
- I got drunk last night.
- I want to kill myself.
- I throw up after each meal.
- My mom doesn't care about me.
- I hate myself.
- I want the pill.
- He hit me.
- An older male friend keeps coming on to me.
- This guy made me do something I didn't want to do.
How the mentor recognizes and responds to any of these situations is critical. For example, the general guidance to mentors is to be a good listener, and do not condemn or find fault with the person. Discuss the situation with the mentee; then, allow the mentee to make the decision to take the appropriate action. If the situation appears harmful to the person or the situation cannot be resolved to the satisfaction of the people involved, then the mentor should seek external professional assistance.
